Training and Humble

I have really started off my new training hard and fast. I am running everyday and mixing in shadowboxing, push-ups, and sit-ups through out. I have really minimized my weight lifting due to the physical demands of my job and my need for fast weight loss (I know the more muscle the better fat burn). I am lifting it's just on a limited basis. Also I have started taking vitamins and a fat burner, don't worry I am only sticking to the minimum dosage. I guess another thing I have started is alot of hill running (soon to be mountain running) and meditation. I have to believe that a major part of my training consists of mental training. I have been thinking of doing yoga but for now I will stick to my 20 minute stretch sessions. At first when i started training everyday again, I was worried I would re-injure my lower back, but alot of that was not understanding my body and what it can do. That is where the meditation and self-reflection came in. I needed to really be comfortable in who I was, so in-between quiting and starting again I really tried to not only figure out who I was but figure out my own body and it's limits. This is where I discovered that I am only limited in my mind and I must continue through the pain times and work past the threshold where most people quit. I want that pain in my life, I need that pain in my life. Friday I am starting classes at a new Jiu-Jitsu Academy and I think that it will be good for me. I loved training at Undisputed but I need a more structured place to train at where they tell me where I need to be and guide me on that journey (basically a belt system).
Tonight I watched UFC All Access: Sean Sherk, and let me tell you. I am nowhere near where I have to be to compete at a champion level. I will be there though. I am definitely taking a longer road, but a road all the same. He is just so intense and I hope to keep in mind during my training to come that there is always someone out there training that much harder than you, and use that to keep me going when preparing for a match. Well I should go to bed. I have to get up and run in the morning.

Fear of something great...

Sitting in my room on another Saturday night. Now granted I did work twelve hours today, but why am I not out trying to discover something new. Have I really settled on the stale boring existence of the guy no one asks to go out because he will just say no, or is it as simple as I have seen everything there is to see. Fully knowing that the later is impossible and the first isn't true because all my "friends" constantly ask me to hang (and come to think of it, only the closest have stopped asking) I believe that it might be somewhere in the middle that my soul is trapped. It might be because of all the preparation I am making for my life change, or maybe it is that I am scared that i might just meet a nice girl and have a great conversation that literally shakes the foundation that I have been built on (no that has already happened). Hmm...I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs in between these rapid thought sentences. I know I need to move on and I know that the world moves on without a second thought, but god, maybe right now I just need this time to sit and think and perhaps the answers will come in these moments of singular clarity.

4 hour lunch break!

OK, I am finishing up a four hour lunch break and am so not wanting to go back to work. So I am going to list a couple of favorite things right now in my life...Genki Sudo Tribute Video on Dailymotion.com is incredible and the first time I watched it, brought a tear to my eye. Sencond, all my music, I have not felt the need for music like this in so long...I love it. Third, everyone who truly knows me knows that my dream in paramount to my existence. My friends are also being great right now, I bet I am so moody with all these massive life changes taking place. I can't wait to make them all proud. Things I am not to happy about, my four hour lunch break, the Boston Celtics, and my internet service has been slow. Ha, I guess my life isn't so terrible if these are the things bugging me right now. Well back to work, I actually don't even know if anyone reads this but I still will keep typing.

p.s. here is the link to the vid I was referencing http://www.dailymotion.com/Beatdown77/video/x1iy6h_genki-sudo-the-legend-of-the-samura

...how can this continue

Tidal wave hit me today, well a metaphorical one but a tidal wave all the same. I felt pretty down today and actually went home kinda early, which everyone knows I am usually the guy who is going home late. I guess we all have our days when gravity feels that much more intense and the sun beats down just a little hotter. I decided I needed to reset and came home, took a nap in the first time for close to 3 months (use to be an avid napper) and woke up refreshed, had some nice chicken breast and brown rice and just relaxed. I think sometimes we all need to acknowledge weakness in our soul and confront it head on. My weakness is wanting of another person. Nobody in particular and I guess that is why I am still alone, I cannot bring myself to just settle and for now my dream will be my mistress. I am also realizing that this is the second post in so many days, pretty amazing for me, but I do plan on making this habit, this is my vent for now (not my clutch GREG) and will utilize it. A couple of things have happened that suck, but I will deal with them. I am a lot more creative during this personal renaissance and my brother and I have started to create a world together and hopefully will flesh out over the next couple of years. Well I am going to go chillax and watch a couple of fight vids peacefully drifting off into sleep and waking up to another great day.

How will it end

"I know you are meant for something more..." I have heard this told to me over and over again in my life. I have no idea what it is that would be "more", but I guess they might be meaning, I should be doing something else with my life. So now I sit here like I have one thousand times before and ponder what it is I want to do in my mortal guise. My body screams for the ultimate level of competition and the familiar touch of a loved one. My mind struggles for an outlet that might satisfy its ever growing hunger for expression. Finally my soul exhaustingly grasps for the answers that have eluded me since the day the light of God ceased to shine brightly upon my path. I have been working hard and trying to just mindlessly dive into that life every other person seems capable of. The working stiff, the social zombie, the sheep, I cant do it, I cant become that. I clock into work and the first thing I think of is what I am going to do once I get out of there. I feel the crush of the cooperate wheels and gears slamming against my body. So what do I do? Will the answers ever just come or do I keep searching under every stone and dark corner I come upon. Well, I took a first step and had a dream. I possible path I created for myself. The first step was to realize that there are no bounds to who or what I am and or could be. Second, I met an angel. I don't mean the kind with feathers and halos, but the kind that God might send you in a movie. I didn't know why this person was glowing, and I didn't understand why she came into my life at such a dark personal time, but she is here and she has revitalized my own dreams by showing how passionate a person could be about their own. I was her not two years ago. So now I am working, and guess what, I work with the mindset that every minute I am in that place, is one more dime closer to my dream, one more lesson, one more meal. I am pursuing it, and I will not allow anything or anyone to stand in my way. It is because of my strength, my brothers uncanny understanding of my soul, my moms desperate love for a son not to give up what she might have by giving me life, and most of all a chance meeting of a girl from Lubbock, Texas by way of the world and obvious to anyone who meets her...upon high.

My Top 50 Movies of All Time!

I know alot of people have their own ideas of what is a great movie and I tell you the total truth...these movies have helped mold me into the person I am. That might seem weird and please once you see the list don't call the cops. I hope you enjoy and make an effort to see the bulk of these movies!
These are in order of my favorites.

1. Almost Famous
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
3. Shawn of the Dead
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Original 90's)
5. Kung Fu Hustle
6. Star Wars Trilogy IV, V, VI
7. Battle Royale
8. Big Trouble in Little China
9. The Fountain
10. Rockstar
11. V for Vendetta
12. What's Eating Gilbert's Grape
13. The Prestige
14. Red Dawn
15. The Matrix
16. Boondock Saints
17. Detroit Rock City
18. Brave Heart
19. Batman Begins
20. Spiderman
21. Serenity
22. Green Street Hooligans
23. Army of Darkness
24. Duel to the Death
25. Gladiator
26. Grandma's Boy
27. The Incredibles
28. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
29. Desperado
30. Lord of the Rings Trilogy
31. Conan the Barbarian
32. Rocky
33. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
34. The Shawshank Redemption
35. Trainspotting
36. Oceans 11
37. 12 Monkey's
    
38. SE7EN
39. Nightwatch
40. Pan's Labyrinth
41. Rushmore
42. Fight Club
43. Iron Monkey
44. The Last Dragon
45. Pirates of the Caribbean
    
46. The Girl Next Door
47. Hot Fuzz
48. Legend
49. Night of the Living Dead
50. Goonies

Well and there it is...I hope you enjoy and check out some that you haven't seen.

Why the late break?

I am sitting in the kitchen of my parents suburban two story house, nestled nicely into a little neighborhood in Granger Indiana. Snow is falling outside and I am looking forward to winter break starting soon. At this point in my life the only things I care about are my comics, my band, and one girl who I had never the courage of letting know what I think. I am 16. I am still searching for who I am and for some reason or another, never really feeling this huge press to do so, a problem that will repeatedly occur in my life, but that is a story for another time. Now the phone had just rang and it was her. See she was like my best friend and for whatever reason I was there for her, always listening to her problems, you know the standard "I hate my parents" or "Why are guys such jerks?" I never really had to answer, girls her age answer themselves and even if you were able to work a word in sideways it would have either been ignored or used against you in later conversations. I guess women never really grow out of that last part. Sitting there listening to her things sorta felt different that day. Like a small percent of the person I am today popped out and I told myself, "If there is a chance of telling her, I am going to do it!" I was determined and all I needed was the opportunity. Then she said something that interrupted my self motivating mental rant, "I like someone and I don't know how to tell him because we are so close." I was stunned, there was a long pause on both ends. I knew it, instant sweat burst from my forehead and if I was in a early 1990's anime my cheeks would have been blue from being paralyzed. Here it was, my chance, that fleeting moment, "TAKE IT NOW!" I scream to myself and without thinking I blurt out "It's me isn't it." Now freeze. I am for sure that she is about to tel me everything that I wanted to hear. I am sitting on a stool that I had not 2 days earlier help my dad assemble and I am sure that it is about to launch into space with me on it, because this couldn't be real. OK, resume reality. On the other end of the phone I hear laughter, and a question. "What?" I don't know what to do, I have put myself out there and here it was being crushed by some 15 year old girl. How was this possible, how do I fix this, my mind races to the one thing I have always been able to fall back on. Joke and divert! "What?" I say back, telling her it was a joke and laughing with her while all the while trying not to throw up and or pass out. Man this was gonna be rough.
The next couple of weeks were a godsend. I only saw her a handful of times before the winter break and thankfully my parents were stingy on when I was or was not allowed to use the car. X-mas went by and New Years Eve was right around the corner. Somehow I had talked my parents into letting me use the car so that I could play with my band at a party. I will tell you right now. 16 year old metal bands suck. We had no idea what the hell we were doing and guess what, most 16 years olds don't want to hear a stuttering solo or a 2 minute drum solo while my scrawny ass ran around the stage trying to keep from looking bored. We were done torturing people and I was relaxing on a couch full of girls who were there just to look good in front of other people. I think they are all single mothers now. Man you gotta love the mid-west in the late 90's. I don't want to be there and the duty of "watching the ball drop" was seeming less and less important and kept looking at my watch. 11:34pm. Man, time is slowing down, I get up to head out the door and am stopped by my friend who is telling me I have a phone call. I pick up the phone and say hello, "Phil?" it was her. I answer her telling her yes, my voice instantly cheering up and ask what's up? "Phil, I am at Katie's and I realize that I want to be with you." I drop the phone, I jump into my car and race over to Katie's. I knock on the door and look at my watch, 11:56pm. Plenty of time. The door opens and before I can work a hello, she has my face in her hands and she is kissing me, I break long enough to smile and go right back into kissing. I pinched myself about 30 times. I am with her, she is with me. I have no idea what is happening and the only other thing I remember about that night, besides the kissing, was my friend Katie yelling in the background that it wasn't even midnight yet. Haha, I guess I am remembering this, because I was trying to think of the last time that my heart was truly stopped, and then I started to think of the first time I ever loved. She was just a friend and we still talk more than 10 years later, but she was truly my first love, heartbreak and best girl-friend. I cherish these memories and for the longest time I couldn't remember these events. Past blocked out of self preservation that has changed due in part to the simple fact that I am truly happy and complete.