How will it end

"I know you are meant for something more..." I have heard this told to me over and over again in my life. I have no idea what it is that would be "more", but I guess they might be meaning, I should be doing something else with my life. So now I sit here like I have one thousand times before and ponder what it is I want to do in my mortal guise. My body screams for the ultimate level of competition and the familiar touch of a loved one. My mind struggles for an outlet that might satisfy its ever growing hunger for expression. Finally my soul exhaustingly grasps for the answers that have eluded me since the day the light of God ceased to shine brightly upon my path. I have been working hard and trying to just mindlessly dive into that life every other person seems capable of. The working stiff, the social zombie, the sheep, I cant do it, I cant become that. I clock into work and the first thing I think of is what I am going to do once I get out of there. I feel the crush of the cooperate wheels and gears slamming against my body. So what do I do? Will the answers ever just come or do I keep searching under every stone and dark corner I come upon. Well, I took a first step and had a dream. I possible path I created for myself. The first step was to realize that there are no bounds to who or what I am and or could be. Second, I met an angel. I don't mean the kind with feathers and halos, but the kind that God might send you in a movie. I didn't know why this person was glowing, and I didn't understand why she came into my life at such a dark personal time, but she is here and she has revitalized my own dreams by showing how passionate a person could be about their own. I was her not two years ago. So now I am working, and guess what, I work with the mindset that every minute I am in that place, is one more dime closer to my dream, one more lesson, one more meal. I am pursuing it, and I will not allow anything or anyone to stand in my way. It is because of my strength, my brothers uncanny understanding of my soul, my moms desperate love for a son not to give up what she might have by giving me life, and most of all a chance meeting of a girl from Lubbock, Texas by way of the world and obvious to anyone who meets her...upon high.

Why the late break?

I am sitting in the kitchen of my parents suburban two story house, nestled nicely into a little neighborhood in Granger Indiana. Snow is falling outside and I am looking forward to winter break starting soon. At this point in my life the only things I care about are my comics, my band, and one girl who I had never the courage of letting know what I think. I am 16. I am still searching for who I am and for some reason or another, never really feeling this huge press to do so, a problem that will repeatedly occur in my life, but that is a story for another time. Now the phone had just rang and it was her. See she was like my best friend and for whatever reason I was there for her, always listening to her problems, you know the standard "I hate my parents" or "Why are guys such jerks?" I never really had to answer, girls her age answer themselves and even if you were able to work a word in sideways it would have either been ignored or used against you in later conversations. I guess women never really grow out of that last part. Sitting there listening to her things sorta felt different that day. Like a small percent of the person I am today popped out and I told myself, "If there is a chance of telling her, I am going to do it!" I was determined and all I needed was the opportunity. Then she said something that interrupted my self motivating mental rant, "I like someone and I don't know how to tell him because we are so close." I was stunned, there was a long pause on both ends. I knew it, instant sweat burst from my forehead and if I was in a early 1990's anime my cheeks would have been blue from being paralyzed. Here it was, my chance, that fleeting moment, "TAKE IT NOW!" I scream to myself and without thinking I blurt out "It's me isn't it." Now freeze. I am for sure that she is about to tel me everything that I wanted to hear. I am sitting on a stool that I had not 2 days earlier help my dad assemble and I am sure that it is about to launch into space with me on it, because this couldn't be real. OK, resume reality. On the other end of the phone I hear laughter, and a question. "What?" I don't know what to do, I have put myself out there and here it was being crushed by some 15 year old girl. How was this possible, how do I fix this, my mind races to the one thing I have always been able to fall back on. Joke and divert! "What?" I say back, telling her it was a joke and laughing with her while all the while trying not to throw up and or pass out. Man this was gonna be rough.
The next couple of weeks were a godsend. I only saw her a handful of times before the winter break and thankfully my parents were stingy on when I was or was not allowed to use the car. X-mas went by and New Years Eve was right around the corner. Somehow I had talked my parents into letting me use the car so that I could play with my band at a party. I will tell you right now. 16 year old metal bands suck. We had no idea what the hell we were doing and guess what, most 16 years olds don't want to hear a stuttering solo or a 2 minute drum solo while my scrawny ass ran around the stage trying to keep from looking bored. We were done torturing people and I was relaxing on a couch full of girls who were there just to look good in front of other people. I think they are all single mothers now. Man you gotta love the mid-west in the late 90's. I don't want to be there and the duty of "watching the ball drop" was seeming less and less important and kept looking at my watch. 11:34pm. Man, time is slowing down, I get up to head out the door and am stopped by my friend who is telling me I have a phone call. I pick up the phone and say hello, "Phil?" it was her. I answer her telling her yes, my voice instantly cheering up and ask what's up? "Phil, I am at Katie's and I realize that I want to be with you." I drop the phone, I jump into my car and race over to Katie's. I knock on the door and look at my watch, 11:56pm. Plenty of time. The door opens and before I can work a hello, she has my face in her hands and she is kissing me, I break long enough to smile and go right back into kissing. I pinched myself about 30 times. I am with her, she is with me. I have no idea what is happening and the only other thing I remember about that night, besides the kissing, was my friend Katie yelling in the background that it wasn't even midnight yet. Haha, I guess I am remembering this, because I was trying to think of the last time that my heart was truly stopped, and then I started to think of the first time I ever loved. She was just a friend and we still talk more than 10 years later, but she was truly my first love, heartbreak and best girl-friend. I cherish these memories and for the longest time I couldn't remember these events. Past blocked out of self preservation that has changed due in part to the simple fact that I am truly happy and complete.

The Fountain...

Well, I will honestly say that I have rarely seen a movie have such a profound effect on me. "The Fountain", written by Darren Aronofsky, is a story about life, death, hope and most of all love. I don't want to tell you to much. It is a story that has different effects for different people. The first time I saw this film I took a date, a trendy punk girl, who grew up here in San Diego. Not that it is a bad thing, but she was especially shallow and pretentious. I walked out of the theater looking at this pretty woman and thought, "How great would it be, to have something greater than yourself, to share your life with." She looked at me gazing into her eyes and flat out said,"I hated it...to much dumb music and I really just didn't get it." After I slept with her I decided that she was not the one for me. I am kidding! I am kidding! Just seeing if everyone is awake. I did drop her off thinking, man it must suck not to have been touched by a story as heart filled as the one we just had experienced.

Anyways days turned into weeks and weeks into months until I saw that it was being released onto DVD. An opportunity to share this great story with someone who might actually appreciate this. I thought for a long time, who would like this story, I was at a lost. I do not have that many friends out here and the ones I do keep around balance me, meaning they are not deep, heart broken, emotional wrecks such as myself. More the crazy spontaneous type. See they keep my mind off the things a Scorpio, such as myself, might linger and decay on. So I went to the video store, having just went to the local Coin Star and emptying a cup full of quarters, and picked myself up "The Fountain" and "Pan's Labyrinth" (An excellent movie as well, had my hairs on end at times.), and brought them home along with an order of Carne Asada Fries. If you have never tried them, please do your self a favor, find out the best authentic Mexican Food Restaurant, and order them. My roommate, funny enough, was in the midst of devouring a burrito himself. I smiled and sat next to him and loosely suggested that we watch a movie while we chowed. He grunted something that could be construed as acceptance and I popped open the PS2, put in "The Fountain", and sat back to my meal.

96 great minutes later, I looked over to my roommate and sort of eye nudged him "What do you think?" He looked at me and said, "Woah, I don't think could go through that." I asked if he meant the movie or the story. He cut me off before I could finish my question and said, "I would rather die than have that love and lose it." I laughed in pure happiness and listened as he gave me his rundown on the movie. He got it. I am leaving out what else we actually spoke of to save your eyes from the truth of this incredible movie. I guess I really just started to write tonight on the mission of sharing a great experience and stretched into a story of views, but for yourself, rent "The Fountain" and really think about the story and if it isn't to much trouble, let me know what you think or better yet feel.

Sincerely Phil

Well thanks alot Gregory!

I used to post all the time, on myspace.com, my thoughts and opinions on what is happening in the world, life, MMA, manga, friends, and all those other fun things. I love out in San Diego and am a 27 year old dreamer who is actually seeing things happen for himself. It took the crushing of my heart, the finding of my soul, and the live of friends and family to overcome all that I have been through. I will for sure continue to move forward and learn and invest in what will be my successful future. I will be posting more and more, so standby for ideas and comments on all things that make me, ME!!

p.s. I am always gonna post cool art on my page, I will let you know what is mine and what is not like the one posted over there HAHAHAHAHA!!!!