Fear of something great...

Sitting in my room on another Saturday night. Now granted I did work twelve hours today, but why am I not out trying to discover something new. Have I really settled on the stale boring existence of the guy no one asks to go out because he will just say no, or is it as simple as I have seen everything there is to see. Fully knowing that the later is impossible and the first isn't true because all my "friends" constantly ask me to hang (and come to think of it, only the closest have stopped asking) I believe that it might be somewhere in the middle that my soul is trapped. It might be because of all the preparation I am making for my life change, or maybe it is that I am scared that i might just meet a nice girl and have a great conversation that literally shakes the foundation that I have been built on (no that has already happened). Hmm...I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs in between these rapid thought sentences. I know I need to move on and I know that the world moves on without a second thought, but god, maybe right now I just need this time to sit and think and perhaps the answers will come in these moments of singular clarity.

4 hour lunch break!

OK, I am finishing up a four hour lunch break and am so not wanting to go back to work. So I am going to list a couple of favorite things right now in my life...Genki Sudo Tribute Video on Dailymotion.com is incredible and the first time I watched it, brought a tear to my eye. Sencond, all my music, I have not felt the need for music like this in so long...I love it. Third, everyone who truly knows me knows that my dream in paramount to my existence. My friends are also being great right now, I bet I am so moody with all these massive life changes taking place. I can't wait to make them all proud. Things I am not to happy about, my four hour lunch break, the Boston Celtics, and my internet service has been slow. Ha, I guess my life isn't so terrible if these are the things bugging me right now. Well back to work, I actually don't even know if anyone reads this but I still will keep typing.

p.s. here is the link to the vid I was referencing http://www.dailymotion.com/Beatdown77/video/x1iy6h_genki-sudo-the-legend-of-the-samura

...how can this continue

Tidal wave hit me today, well a metaphorical one but a tidal wave all the same. I felt pretty down today and actually went home kinda early, which everyone knows I am usually the guy who is going home late. I guess we all have our days when gravity feels that much more intense and the sun beats down just a little hotter. I decided I needed to reset and came home, took a nap in the first time for close to 3 months (use to be an avid napper) and woke up refreshed, had some nice chicken breast and brown rice and just relaxed. I think sometimes we all need to acknowledge weakness in our soul and confront it head on. My weakness is wanting of another person. Nobody in particular and I guess that is why I am still alone, I cannot bring myself to just settle and for now my dream will be my mistress. I am also realizing that this is the second post in so many days, pretty amazing for me, but I do plan on making this habit, this is my vent for now (not my clutch GREG) and will utilize it. A couple of things have happened that suck, but I will deal with them. I am a lot more creative during this personal renaissance and my brother and I have started to create a world together and hopefully will flesh out over the next couple of years. Well I am going to go chillax and watch a couple of fight vids peacefully drifting off into sleep and waking up to another great day.

How will it end

"I know you are meant for something more..." I have heard this told to me over and over again in my life. I have no idea what it is that would be "more", but I guess they might be meaning, I should be doing something else with my life. So now I sit here like I have one thousand times before and ponder what it is I want to do in my mortal guise. My body screams for the ultimate level of competition and the familiar touch of a loved one. My mind struggles for an outlet that might satisfy its ever growing hunger for expression. Finally my soul exhaustingly grasps for the answers that have eluded me since the day the light of God ceased to shine brightly upon my path. I have been working hard and trying to just mindlessly dive into that life every other person seems capable of. The working stiff, the social zombie, the sheep, I cant do it, I cant become that. I clock into work and the first thing I think of is what I am going to do once I get out of there. I feel the crush of the cooperate wheels and gears slamming against my body. So what do I do? Will the answers ever just come or do I keep searching under every stone and dark corner I come upon. Well, I took a first step and had a dream. I possible path I created for myself. The first step was to realize that there are no bounds to who or what I am and or could be. Second, I met an angel. I don't mean the kind with feathers and halos, but the kind that God might send you in a movie. I didn't know why this person was glowing, and I didn't understand why she came into my life at such a dark personal time, but she is here and she has revitalized my own dreams by showing how passionate a person could be about their own. I was her not two years ago. So now I am working, and guess what, I work with the mindset that every minute I am in that place, is one more dime closer to my dream, one more lesson, one more meal. I am pursuing it, and I will not allow anything or anyone to stand in my way. It is because of my strength, my brothers uncanny understanding of my soul, my moms desperate love for a son not to give up what she might have by giving me life, and most of all a chance meeting of a girl from Lubbock, Texas by way of the world and obvious to anyone who meets her...upon high.